Thursday, August 06, 2009

Crappy is the Only Way to Describe It

I’ve mentioned before that the road I live on is pin straight. The speed limit is 40 on our street, but I often drive speeds greater than 50. This morning I drove at a speed greater than 60 just in time for a cop from the town just south of mine to bust me for speeding.

It would seem that I have lost my touch. It used to be that I could talk my way out of speeding tickets successfully. Was it because I was in my 20’s instead of 35? I’ve gotten a warning after driving over 70 in a 40 and running 2-3 traffic lights once. I’ve gotten a warning for going 50 in a 30 and largely ignoring the flashing lights of the cop behind me until he accosted me at the gas station I’d stopped at.

Not yesterday. The cop handed me a speeding ticket, and warned me to slow down. My last speeding ticket was in 2007, so I cannot use my “get out of jail free card” that is offered to speeding drivers in Rhode Island. (You can use it every 3 years.)

I continued to drive to work, when a truck pulled out in front of me. The truck’s bed contained a pile of manure. I had the top down on my Jeep, and slowed my car so the foul aroma from the truck could dissipate. The truck hit a bump. The bumping dislodged a football size lump of manure. The football fumbled onto the hood of the Jeep and promptly splatted on the windshield. I cowered behind the steering wheel, and was fortunate in that none of the splat landed inside the car and onto me.

I turned on the windshield wipers and squired the washer fluid. The shit smeared back and forth on the glass. I squinted as I tried to see through the cow dung clouding my vision. I headed for the truck stop near the on ramp for the highway, nearly in tears.

Once at the gas station I grabbed the squeegee located near the pumps and tried to clean the shit off my car. I wandered from squeegee to squeegee looking for one that had water in its bucket. I washed the window, and attempted to clean off the hood. Really I managed to frost the hood of my car in poo. Luckily the gas station attendant spotted my predicament and let me pull around back to use the hose.

I rinsed the car and debated going the 5 miles back home to take a pre-cautionary shower. I examined myself in the reflection of the gas station’s windows, hoping I didn’t have a smear of dung on my back that I couldn’t detect. But that didn’t stop me from compulsively checking in the ladies’ room mirror at work.

Craptacular way to start the day!



Anonymous crisitunity said...

Craptacular indeed, literally. Sorry for that.

August 6, 2009 at 2:50 PM  
Blogger la isla d'lisa said...

Oh, man ... I know it was the suckage for you, but I laughed so hard I snorted soda. And not flat soda, oh no! Dr. Pepper! See? That there was my comeuppance for laughin' atcha.

I love your blog because you sail in my home waters, having grown up on Aquidneck ... I "see" your stories. Thank you!

August 6, 2009 at 6:35 PM  
Blogger BJ Knapp said...

Crisitunuty, wanna hear something even funnier? Todd was on his way to work and spotted me pulled over by the cop as he drove by. He left me a voice mail at work that said "What a shitty way to start the day. How crappy? Blah blah blah." He didn't yet know about the poo bomb, but his message was riddled with "shit" and "crap." Gah!

La Isla, Karma's a bitch, eh? LOL. And now I am off to check out your blog.

August 6, 2009 at 7:42 PM  
Anonymous Taoist Biker said...

With the top down, coulda been worse...

Still pretty shitty.

August 7, 2009 at 11:23 AM  
Blogger BJ Knapp said...

TB, Todd likes to say "It could be worse. You could be on fire." Is cow poo flammable?

August 7, 2009 at 11:49 AM  
Anonymous Taoist Biker said...


August 8, 2009 at 9:44 AM  
Blogger BJ Knapp said...

TB? Speak english, man! What are you saying? LOL.

August 10, 2009 at 3:48 PM  
Blogger The Creeper said...

Oh man. That story made me laugh so hard that I had to mute the TV and read it out loud to Bill.

Frost your car in poo... classic!

August 10, 2009 at 6:01 PM  
Blogger BJ Knapp said...

Carol, I can laugh now. I sure as hell wasn't laughing then. I think I teetered between crying and traumatized. LOL.

August 11, 2009 at 10:03 AM  

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