Saturday, September 29, 2007

When the cat is away the mice will..... blog?

... and why not? There isn't much else to do. BJ has gone to a wedding leaving me and the dogs doing the bachelor thing for the weekend.

I realize that most of you do not know me real well. The readers that used to frequent this blog when I was the primary writer have long since traveled to pages featuring better grammar, spelling, and vocabularies aren't littered with made-up words like crapulant (eg: "Wow, this pork flavored ice cream is crapulant...").

Ever since my wife took the place over I have tried to distance myself so that she could have a place to write that was unblemished. However, this blog is a lot like the carpets in our house. It was only a matter of time before I spilled something wildly inappropriate and likely to stain on the nice clean shag. So, here I am... blogging.... at 2am.

As I understand it, many of Beej's new readers are women. Well, good news for you! You get the very rare, and possibly unwanted, opportunity to peer into my life when I have no one around to keep me moving in a positive direction.

You see, it is only by the grace of god and my wife’s endless patience that I am not writing from a cave while gnawing on a hunk of raw meat. My natural instincts tend towards the more stereotypical behaviors commonly attributed to my gender. Eat, sleep, hunt, gather, and fix stuff with tools. I revel in the simplicity of it all.

So, when Beej isn't here to protest, what does a weekend look like for me and my pals (our dogs... both of which are leg humping boys) ? Well, it sure as hell doesn't involve pants... let me tell you (aren't you glad you stuck with it so you could read that? Try not to picture it... you can never un-see.) !

Our day tomorrow will begin with a war... most likely a star war. Yeah, I know that's dorky but what do you want? My dogs and I will sit on the couch sharing whatever is left of the Chinese food that we ordered tonight. There will be slobber... provided by all three of us. I like to start each day with a little caffeine, but I don't do the coffee thing so tomorrow sustenance will begin with cold Chinese food and Coke. It's definitely not the breakfast of champions, but clearly it is the breakfast of an overworked computer guy and his two dogs.

bbIn point of fact, the dogs aren't going to have Coke. They don't really like Coke. I have noticed (tonight) that they do in fact like Beer. Unfortunately for them we have run out of beer. Lazy man rules prevent me from going anywhere... at all... so they will have to get by on water and a little gravy that I had in the fridge. They DO love that.

Once we have finished our breakfast and our first movie we are going to get up, stretch, move to the other couch, and do it again. At this point the dogs are going to need more sustenance. It's a good thing that we moved the dog bone bowl over to the couch so they can munch without missing a thing!

After movie number two we are going to get to work (sort of). We have to at least present the appearance that we weren't lazy all day so we are going to stalk around the house looking for something superficial (but low effort) and obvious to do so that when BJ does come home she can't say, "WAH WAH... WAH WAH WAH WAH WAH!" Neither the dogs nor I know exactly what is being said. In all seriousness.... that is how we actually hear it (ask any male critter and they will tell you it's true) ! All we do know is that the frowny face she wears when she says that can be very contagious.... and we don't want that.

I am not yet sure what the project du jour will be, but I guarantee that about two minutes into it Griffen and Nemo (the dogs) are going to look at me with eyes that speak volumes. Those eyes will implore me to stick to the LMR's (Lazy Man Rules). Those same eyes will plead for me to sit back down on the couch before I burn a calorie and risk wasting away. I can never deny such caring, so ultimately I will see their point of view and get ready for a "WAH WAH" serenade when Beej gets home.

Once we are back on the couch (all of us), we can get started on the next man task of the day. This one involves a video game console. I know that is cliché, but you have to understand that in my entire life I have never had a video game console... until recently. Generally I relax by camping, sailing, diving, or some other outdoor activity; but not today. Today my dogs and I will test the structural integrity of our couch by attempting to weigh it down for 9 consecutive hours while blowing up, chasing down, repeatedly shooting, and in some cases chain sawing our enemies (and we do have a lot of enemies).

Once we have fragged (that's a gamer word for kill... I know... I am wicked cool) our brains out, it will be time for dinner. Of course, in man land dinner isn't something that people and dogs do separately. It requires the right meal and a crap load of plywood. The meal this evening will be rare roast beef subs (mmmmm...). The lady at our local sub shop knows me well enough to know that when I order three HUGE roast beef subs my wife is out of town and my dogs are wagging.

Obviously we will be consuming these subs in front of a TV which will be featuring one Bond girl or another. The downside is that amid the explosions, bad guys, gadgets, and girls things can get crazy / messy. That is where the plywood comes in. It's likely that Beej will have plenty to WAH WAH about when she gets home. We don't want to add to the list by getting roast beef permanently ground into the carpet do we? Fortunately, a layer of plywood covering the floor can save us. Aside from keeping wifey happy, the other benefit is that there is nothing more man-ish than chowing down on a lot of nearly raw meat, with a couple dogs, on a huge pile of plywood ("real men don't need soft carpet").

BJ is supposed to be home shortly after dinner on Saturday night. So, if we time this just right we will have hidden the plywood and moved the dog bone bowl back to its usual home before she gets here. She will never be the wiser. Unless she reads her own blog. Then I am screwed.

So, there ya have it. Man day. No frills, just my life exposed for all to see. That's what we (men) do when our other halves are gone.


...I miss my wife. :(


Blogger Augs Casa said...

dude! that was some of the best reading I had the pleasure of reading. This is also a must say in the man handbook. well written and you kept to the facts. Kudos to you! You totally rawk, and one day when I grow up, I want to be just like you. Now if I an only chase the wife out and put your lessons to work for my own self.

October 3, 2007 at 6:34 PM  
Blogger Terri said...

Augs sent me over; your post is too funny. I now can't wait to read the "wah wah wah" post of your wife when she returns. I will, of course, sympathize with her since I am wife myself.... :o)

October 4, 2007 at 10:31 AM  
Blogger BJ Knapp said...

You know, it's funny. My girlfriends say that Todd needs to run a seminar on how to be an awesome husband. But really the men don't need lessons on being an awesome husband, they need lessons on how to "man it up" while the wife is away.

October 4, 2007 at 10:54 AM  
Blogger *~*Cece*~* said...

LMAO! Did Todd spend the weekend on No Pants Island?

October 4, 2007 at 5:41 PM  
Blogger The Creeper said...

Dammit, Cece beat me to the No Pants Island comment.

Todd, this is some funny shit, dude! I even woke up my own lazy dog with my laughter. Apparently there's too much hair on the reclining sofa as he's moved to the floor now.

October 4, 2007 at 9:55 PM  

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