No, No and Hell No

Todd and I have been DVRing this show called “Ice Road Truckers,” have you guys seen this show? I think it’s on the History Channel, or the Discovery Channel maybe? Anyway, it’s about these 18-wheeler truckers who drive these trucks over roads that are made of ice. See, in the northern Canada winters the rivers, lakes and the Arctic Ocean all freeze solid enough so that they could drive these heavy trucks with these massively heavy loads on them in order to bring supplies to the mines and drilling rigs located way north in Canada.

Of course, the camera crew takes pictures form under the ice of the trucks riding over the roads that are constructed of solid ice. And of course the ice will give slightly under the weight of the truck and crack. And of course the sound crew will dub in the sound of ice cracking every so often, you know, just to antagonize me.

Let me tell you, this show stresses me out. Normally I do not get stressed out about watching something on TV. When this show is on, I bite my fingernails down to nubs—which is just about impossible, because I have lousy looking fingernails that are already bitten down to nothing as it is. I am just waiting for one of the trucks to be riding along on the ice and then KER-SPLASH! through the ice it goes, and it’s to the point where I watch the show between the fingers that cover my eyes. That is, when the tips of my fingers aren’t in my mouth getting gnawed off. The narrator of the show always has to say something to the effect of “The water under the ice is 9,000 feet deep, and the temperature of the water is 0 degrees Kelvin, which means that the driver of this big rig will suffer hypothermia and die in roughly 0.00000001 seconds once he falls through the ice. And his body will never be recovered.” Oh, great. Crap, now my fingernails are bleeding.

And what’s more? These Canadian truckers are the most relentlessly cheerful people I’ve ever seen on TV. They say things like “It’s 900 below zero out here, a bit chilly, eh?” with huge smiles on their faces and they’re walking around in just a fleece vest over a T-shirt as they are chipping ice off of the tires on the truck. “I hafta drive to the Arctic Circle today to carry a load that weighs 5 billion pounds, eh? I hope the ice will hold me, eh?” Are you kidding me?

Yet, somehow I still tune in and watch. It’s like watching a train wreck, only more stressful.